My relationship began as most do: with butterflies, feeling on top of the world whenever his hand brushed mine, melting whenever I smelled his cologne, adoring every word he said, and smiling whenever someone said his name. There were so many firsts all at once, it was like a love-bomb: first date, first kiss, first time we said the L word, the first time he stayed at my house, first time I met his family, and the first time we farted in front of each other (my favourite first).
Four years later, we’re engaged and living together, and things have naturally changed. We have all but run out of firsts. The butterflies are present but not nearly as frequent; whenever someone says his name, I’m like ‘yeah, ok’; and the conversation isn’t exactly adorable. Often I find him giving me a detailed description of the shit he just took, or telling me why tomato sauce should be a food group. Continue reading
While I might look fairly innocuous, you can bet that at any given time I am thinking the most fucked up shit. Disclaimer: I don’t fantasise about weird stuff like death or Justin Bieber proposing to me [WHAT THIS ISN’T WEIRD – Ed.], I don’t have a mental disorder, and I probably won’t murder you. In fact, according to a whole bunch of people on the internet, it’s completely normal to be a little paranoid – and everything on the internet is true.
First of all, bravo, sir. Actually knowing how to use chopsticks is a gift that you must not take for granted. Also the fact that you are sitting in the middle of a busy walkway, on the ground, eating a Mars Bar with chopsticks tells everyone you are comfortable with who you are.
I, on the other hand, when lunch time comes, find a secretive nook away from any people and begin to eat alone. The trick to eating alone is to avoid eye contact, and sit up straight with your chest out, for intimidation. I secretly eat my sandwich whilst secretly Googling all the words to Thrift Shop, but if someone happens to walk by my secret lunch nook, I hide my lunch and pretend I was reading. What, is eating embarrassing now? Do people not need to eat for survival? Can a girl not sit alone all day doing pointless activities, eating a sandwich like a normal person? Apparently, subconscious says no.